so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
