I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
