I wish I could teleport
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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