Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fuck me I smell like cheese
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
