remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
