Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
