I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
