i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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