omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
