Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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