You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
