Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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