just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
