It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
