i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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