Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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