Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
