I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
