If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
