Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
me + whiskey = a bad person
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize