wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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