Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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