i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
