My first STD was from a foam party
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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