i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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