these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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