He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
