Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
