Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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