boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
