So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
