I accidentally had phone sex last night
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
