So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
