I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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