so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
