So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
