the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
