every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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