Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
