Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
