giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Randomize
