Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
