I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
