At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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