This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Randomize
