Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
