I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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