One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
