Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
