in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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