everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
