Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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