The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
