my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
